


Mindfulness Training

by weebutwicked



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Ruler of Hell Rowena MacLeod, She just wants what's best for her boy, Soft Rowena MacLeod
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22045708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weebutwicked/pseuds/weebutwicked
Summary: She was Queen, there was no higher power in Hell than she, but she sometimes she still... ye worked with what ye had and dealt with the rest best you could.They could do this,shewould do this for both of them.
Relationships: Rowena MacLeod/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 17





	Mindfulness Training

So, what had they learned this week? Adam was alive. Michael was with him, they were real buddy buddy, Adam's Michael let him drive and had actually a.. what, good relationship with the guy? Like Cas had with Jimmy? 

Oh yeah, and Rowena was still alive. Or dead. Undead? She was _something_.

Queen of Hell kinda something.

Sam was having a lot of difficulty processing it. He'd mourned for weeks, his heart practically fell out of his chest when he drove the knife into her belly, held her in his arms, and watched her fall.

This was _rough_.

Plus, and he knew that she didn't know and so he couldn't blame her one bit, but her yelling at her minions made him jump. He felt a lump in his throat and a jolt of fright overtake him.

A left over gift from Lucifer. Always waiting in the wings for any loud noise or shout to creep up on him. He felt so ashamed that it still affected him sometimes even though he knew he shouldn't.

It crippled him sometimes. Chuck knows how many times he'd been struck down by the fear that came at him that kept him from reacting properly, how many people were hurt or died because he couldn't _deal_ with it?

It was frustrating. He had to work on it, he **wanted** to work on it. It was just never the right time.

A quiet knock on his door made him sit up, resting his arms on his knees. "Come in."

The door opened and a semi familiar guard stood outside it, imposing and unimpressed to be there but a moment later the person standing behind the guard peered out from behind her and gave him a small wave and wide grin, "Hello, Samuel." 

\---

“Hey Dean, there’s a woman standing guard outside of Sam’s room. Did you let her in?” Eileen asked, brows furrowed with confusion. There was only one main door to the bunker and she didn't remember seeing anyone come down the stairs that evening but was also having some trouble recalling the last few hours.

Maybe she had a nap at some point, she /was/ feeling sort of tired.

Dean shot up from the chair he was drinking in and practically ran towards Sam's room, screeching to a halt with his arms mid swing when he thought he recognized the person standing outside it, pointing at her.

“Didn’t you punch me in the face this week?”

“I did.”

“...She in there then?”

“She is.”

“Are you going to stand here all night?”

"That’s my job, yes."

"Is this real fuckin' weird to you too?"

"Very. It’s disgustingly human and we are not human anymore."

"-- All right then. I'm gonna go. I don't want to get punched in the nuts for interrupting whatever brain bleaching acts are going on in there. If you don't have earplugs, I'd find some, cuz I have a feeling she's kinda wild in bed and I'd… love it if you didn't tell her I just said that."

"Not happening."

"Cool. Cool. Cool… I never thought I would find out what being a frog would be like but I’m gonna find out now."

"Likely."

"Great. Hang on, how did you get in here exactly? You're a demon."

"But she is not and I am entrusted to protect the Queen, I don't really give a rats ass about you and the rest of the people here so unless you hurt her, you’re fine."

Dean nodded, blowing out a puff of air. "Um. Fair. I still have questions, a lot of them, but I will ask her instead. She magicked in here? What is she if she’s not a demon? Like isn’t that part of the deal?”

"She is something. It’s above my pay grade but yes, she "magicked" us here, through your wards, past your traps. If she meant to cause harm, they would have gone off. Her words, not mine. We used the door, by the way."

"She’s **something**? That doesn’t make me feel any fucking better, for the record. Did Rowena make Eileen forget that she saw her?"

A small nod was all he got in the way of a reply.

"Don't let her do that shit, it's rude. If she's gonna make this shit a habit, showing up and all then send a text next time. I will put a sock on the door for them."

Turning towards Eileen, Dean gave her a thumbs up and ushered her away from the door. Just in case one or both of the room's occupants stumbled out at any point. 

\---

Rowena had waited until her guard stepped aside to saunter into Sam's room and close the door behind her, locking it. She'd been there before and while not much had moved, there was still an air of growth and change to it since Michael’s death. 

She liked it. It made her proud of him, that he was still chasing betterment and knowledge despite everything.

Not to mention the new books on his desk that definitely came from her personal library, which made her raise her eyebrow at him knowingly.

"Samuel."

"Rowena. Um, what... what are you doing here?"

"One of my ladies suggested after ye’d gone that I might have… scared ye earlier, when I shouted. I came to make it better."

Swallowing, Sam shook his head, swinging his legs over the edge of his bed so they touched the floor. "You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to," she started softly, stepping closer to him. Too close. He could reach out and touch her if he wanted to right now, if she wanted him to. 

He kinda wanted to.

"Why?"

"I don't want ye to fear me, what I am now. I won't hurt ye, ye know that, right? I'm not **Him**. I’m still me, under this crown and the guards and fancy throne." Another step, her legs slotting between his own and gazes locked. 

"I know. I _do_ know that. I didn't mean to --"

"No, don't ye dare apologize for feelin’ how you feel. Ye can't help that, but I know ye don't sleep well t’start with, even though He's gone. Me either but I think I can help with that, if ye'll let me?"

It would help her too, even now.

She was Queen, there was no higher power in Hell than she, but she sometimes she still... ye worked with what ye had and dealt with the rest best you could.

They could do this, **she** would do this for both of them. 

"What did you have in mind?"

"S'called Mindfulness Training. One of those painfully human methods of coping with erm, trauma and things. The other options were, off-putting, to say the least." Rowena nearly shuddered at the memories of the other things she'd found that could help.

One of them included something called exposure therapy; a sensory overload of reliving the sounds over and over to simulate tress and get the person to recognize and alter their responses. It sounded awful really. 

It wouldn't help either of them.

Why would she want to relive being burned alive and stomped on repeatedly? What would that help?

This method was merely a ploy, if she were honest, which she never was, but it was a real thing. She was just using it to also help herself and there wasn't anything wrong with that. 

Sam would see through it right away and that was fine by her.

"We're going to focus yer thoughts on immediate sensations over erratic and stressful thoughts, or memories. By sleeping together."

Sam's brows shot up through his hairline, he had **not** expected that to be what she suggested. "Not that I haven't uh... is this really a good time?"

"Never a bad time for sex, Samuel, but also not what I had in mind this go... Actual, real sleep. Something I don't think either of us has much of these days. Ye thought of us sleeping together?"

Sam started to reply and then stopped, not wanting to shove his foot further into his mouth. So, he just glanced anywhere else but at her. Rowena just stood there, a look of sheer amusement and what seemed like victory across her features 

Between his memories and the weight of losing her sitting on his chest, of Jack, of his mom... he didn't sleep much. It was true. So, he daydreamed instead. Sometimes that helped. "What do we do?"

Rowena smirked and nodded towards the head of the bed, reaching up to her blouse to begin unbuttoning it. Sam's gaze moved to the ceiling to give her some privacy, which she found awfully endearing but unnecessary, and after undressing to her nightgown cupped Sam's face and instructed him to lay down.

A moment later she crawled onto the bed and urged him to onto his back before reaching for the covers and pulling them up their bodies, warming them against the chilly air of the bunker.

She placed a soft unhurried kiss on his lips before sliding closer to curl against his side, her body encased in soft silk that felt cool to his touch. His hair was a mess, he hadn’t brushed his teeth since breakfast, he only had one sock on and the differences between them felt so strange but also so right.

"We're cuddling?" He hummed softly. This was different. He hadn't cuddled with anybody in... hell, a long, time. Not with anybody that he cared about, not by choice anyway. 

"Aye."

"Is the cuddling going to help?"

"It's a positive sensation that we can both use to focus. Simple but effective."

"Did you just come over to cuddle?"

"Samuel! Stow your gab and go to sleep."

"If you wanted to do that all you had to do was ask, I never would have pegged you as a -- " Now he was just straight teasing her and clearly wasn't prepared for the hand slapping itself over his mouth and the tiny redhead lifting her head to stare him down.

"Sleep. **NOW**." She demanded, small flecks of violet flickering behind her angry green stare.

Sam noted that her accent got stronger the madder she got, it was kind of doing something to him. He could focus on that.

It was a good thing it was dark because he had the dumbest grin on his face right now, people would be embarrassed to be seen with him, if they saw it. 

Just the fact that she made a trip over to want to help and her idea was cuddling as opposed to, he didn’t know, some weird potion drinking contest or a drug fueled orgy as a distraction was the **best** thing he'd ever heard. 

He didn't even mean it maliciously, it was so damn wholesome, and it was coming from _Rowena_ and he was never going to let her live this down ever. For as long as they lived. The Queen of Hell, a cuddler. Who knew?

She'd never let him tell anyone.

Sam just chuckled and tightened his hold on Rowena wrapping his other arm around her waist and pulling her closer. Her head moved to rest above his heart, which she followed the beats of. It was strange to hear a heartbeat again after the last few months of silence in her room. 

Her heart would never beat again, and she was okay with that, but it was the sound of it that she didn't realize she would ever miss until it wasn’t there anymore. The not really breathing bit was also an adjustment but her body was still going with the motions even if it wasn’t needed.

Slightly calloused hands trailed up and down Rowena's arms, causing goosebumps to appear. She couldn't even remember the last time that happened, let someone get that close. 

"Mindfulness training can also be meditation or exposure therapy, but I think I've been locked in enough tight places with loud noises that exposure would never work to fix it." Sam admitted quietly, "I don't even know if I still hear it now or just... the reaction is so ingrained in me because that's what he wanted to see so that whenever a loud noise happens I just... reflex jump to action."

Rowena hummed quietly, tracing runes patterns into his shirt. Her trauma with Lucifer was different, she developed a fear of fire for a while, which was damn unhelpful for a witch. She'd gone vegan because the smell of cooked meat made her viscerally remember what her own cooked flesh smelled like. She'd been sick for weeks the first time she tried meat again. 

Even now sometimes it reared its head when she least expected it.

Sam's torture at Lucifer’s hands went on for an eternity, hers had been so short. He hadn’t taken the same sort of pleasure in trying to prolong her deaths. They couldn't compare and they shouldn't, both were hurt and wanting to put it behind them but neither knew where to start. 

They also knew that no one else would understand but the other.

It was hard to deal with and it helped them find each other, and they were strong, they knew that but sometimes you have to admit you need help and so they were. To each other.

"It is PTSD, I know that. It’s kinda hard to find anybody who can handle talking about the kind of things that we’ve seen though. Not many doctors out there even believe in the supernatural, never mind would know how to treat it if I said: “Hey, I was Lucifer’s vessel.” It’s just, difficult to make anyone understand.”

"Aye. Being a vessel was never somethin' I ever thought I'd dabble in, it's not eh, a witch's brew so to speak. Ye want people to do things for ye by way of possession or to trap demons in a vessel, not be the ones possessed."

"Why did you do it?"

"Michael not tell ye then? Thought a bragger such as himself couldn't wait to share."

Sam shrugged, Michael had explained it but at the time Sam had still been struggling with seeing someone else in Rowena's body. He would never wish it on anyone, the helplessness of seeing someone else commit atrocities with your own hands.

"I'd rather hear it from you." They hadn't talked about it after. She had barely let any of them help her clean herself up before she slipped out and back to her own flat. He didn't see her again until their next call. 

She shifted slightly against his side before saying anything, "he said he'd kill all of ye. I knew I was safe, due to our prophecy, but the rest of ye weren't and Jack was in no shape... the wee boy still pulled it off somehow. I thought I was a goner seeing it through Michael's view though, for a moment. I could _feel_ it burnin' out of me. I never felt anythin' like it before, Samuel."

Rowena frowned, remembering that in order for this to work she would have to be honest about things too. Be vulnerable. She didn't much care for that but, she would try. "I don't want to ever feel that again. Wasn’t the same as Lucifer’s burning of me but it wasn’t so different either."

He could barely finish the thought before the words were out of his mouth, "isn't that what you're doing now though? Being a vessel? How is it any different this time?" 

Chuckling softly, Rowena shook her head against his chest and rested her chin on his shoulder. "I'm not a demon, Sam. Not really. I’m just a Queen of something all her own. You'll see.” Reaching out to pull his chin towards her, Rowena let her eyes darken momentarily before feeling the vibrancy of her magic cloud over it and soothe his worry.

“Whatever you are now, I’m still going to worry about you being down there all by myself. What about your home here, someone else will try and break in eventually?”

“I’m not by myself, giant. I’ve got my ladies and, I’ve got ye too. Right at my beck and call whenever I need.” She batted his nose with her finger at each possessive to drive her point home. “A girl could get used to that, ye know. Especially since I think I could bring ye from here to my knees down there with the snap of a finger.”

“Bring me to my knees you mean?”

“Why your knees? At my knees, ye’ll be already be kneeling and I don’t have to climb ye to tug on yer hair or… whatever else I might require of ye while I’ve got ye kneeling down there. I’m just _sayin’_. Samuel. Bowed at my feet is a good look for a tall hunter such as yerself. Think about it. Leave the fighting to the hero out there, come play instead.”

“I don’t think my back could hold up to doing that all the time, I’m not in my twenties anymore, Ro. Can’t be the pool boy either if you have one of those too. Don’t you have those underdressed Magic Mike wannabes for that?”

A small sigh huffed across his neck and Sam nearly shivered at the warm sensation. “Jealous?”

“No. I know they’re just for show. What kind of partner you need, what you want? It’s not that. They probably nice to look at but, they’re not like you. Not deep down. Hell’s concubines are fun but they usually can’t keep up.”

“Someone’s confident in his prowess but aye. Been debating bringing down human lovers though, throwing back the times to sin in the volumes of the Gods. Flesh is key for the easily tempted souls, ye know. Plus, who doesn’t love a good party these days? It’s the end of the world, maybe for real this time. We could be _so_ wicked together.”

Sam let out a hearty laugh which shook Rowena against him and pressed a small kiss against her temple. “We could do that right here too.”

“Not with these lights and this rug we can’t.”

“Okay, okay. Fair. Tomorrow, you can explain what the lights have to do with it but we should really go to sleep before Dean finds your guard.”

“I’d like to see him try and move her though.”

“Oh yeah, me too. Just not tonight. It’s been a long day and I just want to enjoy this while we can. Chuck is still coming, he might not know about you yet but I don’t want to risk him finding you either. Maybe you’ll be key in stopping him.”

“I like the sound of that **very** much, giant. To sleep then.”

Nodding against the side of her head, Sam pressed one more kiss to her hair before scooting down so his head sat on her chest instead, nose buried against her clavicle and both arms wrapped around her body, pulling her flush against him. She was so small and he just wanted to hold every inch of her that he could get his hands on, even though he knew she had been the one wanting to soothe him.

This would help too.

Rowena’s hands curled themselves into his hair and she rested her cheek against the top of his head, oddly at peace with his weight against her like this. She didn’t feel trapped like she worried she might, and even though part of her wondered what he might say about her lack of heartbeat, Sam never said anything. He just kept hugging her.

“Thank you for this, your Majesty. Your most loyal subject will never forget how you came over to cuddle the fear out of him,” Sam breathed into her neck with a small snicker. Biting her lower lip, Rowena playfully swatted at the back of his thigh and kissed his forehead. “Aye, well don’t be goin’ round tell anybody or all the others will want it too and I only hold the **most** deserving of subjects.”

“I’m glad we’ve grown quite fond of each other, Ro. When this is all over...”

“No, Samuel. **Now**. No more hiding. We’ve wasted so much time waiting for things to sort themselves out or for there to be time or whatever lies we want to tell ourselves. No more waiting. Charles won’t give us that chance if he gets his way so we can’t let him take it from us again. Promise me.”

Nodding against her chest, he laid a kiss against the base of her neck in sweet promise. They would figure this out. Chuck might be coming for them, coming for him, but that bullet in his shoulder was a direct connection to God. If anyone could figure out how to stop whatever was coming it was them, and Dean, and Cas…. All of them. They just had to. Tomorrow they would fight, in the meantime, cuddles with the Queen of Hell. His favourite witch. 

His Rowena.


End file.
